November 01, 2011

What I Can Change

I am telling you right now, this is probably the most honest, true-to-my-own-life post I've ever written. [Deep sigh] here goes...

Life as a stay-home mom with a toddler and a newborn and with only one car is like a love/hate relationship to me. Love because I love being a mother and I love our boys so much! Hate because I just barely had the freedom to drive around and get out, and now I find myself stuck at home again. Sure I can walk around the block with our kids, but I think I'd rather take them to the park where I can just hold our newborn and let my toddler run and play around the slides as freely as he wants to than to walk around the block and keep telling him to "watch out! there's a car!" while pushing his little brother in the stroller.

Each morning/dawn, it feels like I don't want to get up and start the day. It feels like I want this:


... if only it was possible. Okay, buckle up for the complaints...

(1) Sometimes I just want a huge break from everything. But seeing that I'm the only one here with no family or close friends nearby (except for the Brenemans), it's hard to find that break. It's a good thing that right now I got that break (thus, this blog) but most of the time it's hard to get that break. Sometimes being home alone with the kids makes me feel lonely.
(2) I find myself wishing most of the time that our newborn is crawling now and sitting up. It's like I can't wait for him to grow up so our toddler can play with him and we can go out more. I think one major thing that makes me feel that way is because
(3) I want to get done with breastfeeding. I nursed our first son until he was 15 months old and it was only after then that I had real fun going out because he wasn't depending on my physical body anymore for his milk. Seriously, travelling while your kid is breastfeeding is not as convenient to some mothers like me as it is to others (even though some may argue otherwise). When we had our first son, I hated looking for a bathroom to nurse when we ate out for dinner, or when I nursed in our car multiple times while sweating all over my body because our first son DID NOT want to breastfeed with a nursing cover on and he wasn't taking a bottle (even with my expressed milk). It was really inconvenient whenever we traveled. I want to be done with breastfeeding because then I won't have to do those things anymore when we're out and about, I will be able to sleep better and actually sleep on my side, and I can get rid of these annoying breast pads. That thinking is very selfish of me, though. 

There are so many things I think about everyday that I wish I could do right now, like going back to reading books without being interrupted, or crafting, or cleaning the house/taking a shower/eating without needing to hurry up because the baby will be waking up soon. Sometimes thinking about these things make me sad and get depressed. But there is one thing that got stuck with me at church last Sunday when our Bishop's former first counselor gave his talk. He talked about his Facebook friend who posted (I'm paraphrasing), "some people will never change" and then he replied, "that might be true but what we can change is how we perceive that person." I think I can put that philosophy in my own life right now... there are things I can't change - being stuck in the house, not being able to take a break most of the time, figuring out how to give equal attention to two kids simultaneously, our newborn being a newborn still, etc. But what I can change is how I react/face these things - being thankful that we have a house, being thankful that we have children who add joy to our lives (as well as tired bodies.. hehe), being thankful that our firstborn is understanding and loves his little brother and was never jealous, taking in every sweet smile and little chuckles that our baby makes because HE WILL grow up sooner than I thought, and just knowing that through breastfeeding I am giving our newborn the best food for him right now ... and many other positive things I can put in my mind. 

I know it will not be as easy as it sounds at some days. Of course, there will be bad days (like when I was really hungry but I was holding our crying newborn who just barely ate while watching our toddler have his lunch) as well as good days (such as today). But I can try to be more positive. I think it's my husband who told me this (who probably heard/read it somewhere), "Are you a cup half-full or half-empty?" Then I said I want to be the "half-full." He then replied, "I'm just grateful there's a cup."

Yes, I know someday it'll be better. I'll be having so much fun with my sons sooner than I thought, no matter where we are - indoors or out.

P.S. Before I started this blog (after my quick shower), our newborn was starting to wake up after only half an hour of taking a snooze. He is learning to put his thumb in his mouth and I guess that wakes him up. I was so tired so I prayed for a break... and our Father did give me a break long enough to finish this post. Our newborn fell asleep again on his own, and our toddler remained sleeping without a peep. He hears and He listens.

8 comments:

  1. I feel like you do ALOT. My kids give me zero me time...even all thru the night. Drives me insane. But it was really nice to read your honest post. Love you and I hope we both find the strength we want and need :)

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  2. I could write a book on this one, Lois:) I completely remember it being tedious/lonely many times, as a stay-at-home mom, and I didn't have a car for the first 3 1/2 years of being a mom(I would drop Jim at work sometimes and keep the car). Still, I would never trade being at home with my kids for anything! I wish I would have done some things differently, and been more patient, but that time was so precious to me~especially in retrospect. Every job has its ups and downs, but no job is more important than being there for your children. Before you know it you'll be running around with them here, there and everywhere:) Love and hugs to you!

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  3. hang in there!... well you are not alone. it is crazy with young kiddies but i have that same problem you have. i need to change my persepctive and be patient! but I LOVE every minute of it (looking back) and not in the moment. ha..i need to work on that!

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  4. Thumbs up for you for being positive!

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  5. I feel special! I just wish you were still just across the street so I could drop by and chat like we use to. :( After being with my sister and her two boys this weekend I can't even imagine how you do it all! You're amazing!! And one thing I always think of when I'm being a glass half empty kind of person, I just think maybe I need to put it in a smaller glass for now!! :) Have a wonderful day!

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  6. Hang in there, Lois! I know how tricky it can be with only one car (we sold Johnny's truck in June) and some days are better than others. You're right though, in the blink of an eye our little guys are going to be all grown up and then we'll miss the time. We're looking forward to seeing you guys in a few weeks! Sending lots of hugs!

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  7. Thanks for the post Lois. You're a great Mom and it is a very hard job. I like what you said about prayer though, because that is so true and you are learning quicker than I did. It wasn't until about the past year that I realized that when I am so tired and feel so weak and overwhelmed that if I get on my knees and pray Heavenly Father gives me the energy that I need. He does everytime. And if you're ever lonely give me a call- I get lonely out here sometimes too.

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  8. Being a mom definitely has its challenges. Playdate swap and preschool has been my saving grace. I teamed up with some moms in my neighborhood and we take turns teaching preschool and taking the kids for 2 hours once a week for playdate. That would probably be hard for you with a newborn, but maybe you could look into swapping playdates with people in your neighborhood. Then you could get a couple hours of quiet time- if the baby cooperates. ;)

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