August 09, 2012

Grow up, Mrs.

Well, I'm still here. I have been inactive in the blogosphere for a while.

There have been so many things I wanted to write about, but other things kept getting in the way. Certainly not my kids. Lately, though, I've been feeling so down about myself. With regards to being a wife and a mother, and a person altogether, I am still being selfish in so many ways, and there are so many things I need to improve on. I know I need to change but I am having a hard time doing it. It will be hard for me to admit these things here but I gotta write it down if I wanted to change. I will have to read this every day as a reminder to myself.

I haven't been a good wife and mother. For example, I haven't been making dinner every night. My husband comes home from work and most of the time he had to make dinner for us. That always made me feel bad but I just can't find the motivation to make dinner - what with having a picky eater and a husband who gets to eat out for lunch at work. I can blame those two things all the time but I shouldn't, and as a wife and mother I should be making dinners. Meals.

There was one morning when I needed our car for the day, and I dropped Jesse off to his work. Of course, I was on the passenger seat because we can get to his work faster if he drives (meaning he can squish better in-between two cars when changing lanes than I could). I looked at his dress pants, and they were all wrinkly. Not a supervisor-worthy type of pants. His shirt, too. I don't like ironing clothes. My knees give up easily and my hands swell in heat after. I know I ought to start ironing his clothes for work again (I stopped when I was 8 months pregnant with J). It's one way to show him I care and I love him.

Not being close to the park and not having a backyard has always been my excuse to stay inside the house with our boys. But now that we've moved closer to a big park (seriously like just around the block) and we have a backyard, I haven't taken the boys outside more than I should have. A very determined mother, with or without a backyard or a park nearby, takes her kids outdoors every single day. And I haven't been that one.

When it comes to helping my husband with spiritual things in the home, I always drag him down. Between my husband and I, I was the one raised in FHE's on Mondays (hit and miss but we tried), but I'm always the one not having the motivation to do it in our own little family. I try each Monday to be more positive, though, and not make an ugly face. And even though I cringe all the time, I know in my heart (and I seriously can't explain why I act differently than how I feel) that FHE's are good for our family - to tie our bonds tighter. I know that even though it seems that the kids are not listening, it will help them in the long run - even just by knowing the habit of having FHE's on Mondays as they grow up.

I am just not happy here. I feel lonely most of the time. I keep telling myself I would be happier if we were in Utah where I have friends with kids who'd play with our kids. Or if I had my own car to go outside with the boys and not having to pick-up or drop-off Jesse to and from work. But these are selfish desires meant only for me. I ought to make the best of everything that we have NOW, instead of wishing on something that we don't have. And a  good perspective changes a lot of things.

I know I ought to spend more time with the boys. J is turning a year old in a few weeks and I'm so sad I haven't been able to cuddle and cradle him as much as I did with C. I haven't taken photos and videos of him as much as I did with C. Have I seriously missed his babyhood? It feels like a year flew by without me even seeing my kids. I have a lot of growing up to do, and a lot of room for improvement. This selfish mom needs to change, and that will start with a serious motivation today. It will be hard and I might get defensive most of the time, but I will give it my best. After all, a stay-at-home mother shouldn't let her husband get home without food on the table, or go to work with wrinkled clothes, or let the kids spend their days being stuck at home. I know that by changing my behavior and my personality for the better, I will be happy and I will find joy.





PS. This post is actually for you, Jesse. I love you and I want to be the kind of wife and mother that you and our kids deserve. I want to be a good one so that all of you will want to be with me for eternity to come.

8 comments:

  1. While I think goals are good, I also think its good to do your best everyday and be done with it when its over. You can't be perfect everyday. And I also think its good to work on a few things each day than to try to work on everything everyday. Sometimes that is what "forces" us to fail (meaning, its too overwhelming, and I can't do it all, so why do anything at all?). I'm not perfect (and nobody is), but we all just have to try a little harder and when that gets easier, we can throw something else that is hard for us on the plate to tackle.

    Also, I don't iron. A lot of times, I just dampen my clothes and throw them into the dryer. Wrinkles gone. Not crisp, but definitely no wrinkles! I seriously hate ironing, and since I have no ironing board here, I don't really have any other options. You can also buy that spray stuff that de-wrinkles your clothes. That stuff is awesome (in college, I used to hang up my wrinkled clothes in the bathroom while I took a hot shower, this also works).

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  2. You're a great wife and a great mother! We each have our own personal battles to face each day, some our obvious to others but most are hidden. But I notice many battles each day that you win. You're A-Okay in my book! :)

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  3. Hang in there, Lois. It is hard work to be a stay-at-home mommy! I've taught in the classroom with 20 Kindergartners and believe me, staying at home with two boys all day is way more difficult :)! Just take each day one day at a time and in your morning prayers maybe ask for help on a specific goal for the day. I don't think every single goal needs to be mastered in one day or one week or even one month. Just choose one goal, like making dinner, and try and meet that one for the day. I've read that it takes 21 days of consistently doing something to make it a habit...so definitely not just 1 day. What I have to do to make sure dinner gets made is create a weekly meal plan. I just print a simple calendar for free online and fill it out each week, usually on Friday or Saturday for the following week. I try and work with what is in our cupboards and then add to my grocery list the ingredients I need to pick up. To make it easy for me in our house Monday night is always spaghetti and French bread and Friday night is always homemade pizza. One night is almost always a crock pot meal, and another is usually a casserole, another is leftovers (usually the casserole and/or soup), another is soup, and the final is a new recipe I want to try (usually something from Pinterest :) ). If you want me to email you an idea of what my menu looks like and/or some easy recipes just for a reference I would be happy too. Some nights dinner is a lot harder to make than others and I've been known to completely abandon my dinner plans and declare the night's dinner "cupboard hunt", which means fend for yourself and usually cereal or waffles for the boys :).

    As for ironing I will admit I despise ironing and I've been know to dress our boys in wrinkly clothing for church. I have found that if I do one ironing session in bulk it is a lot easier to tackle. I just take everything that needs to be ironed for the week and do it all at once. Then it's done and I don't have to think about doing it again for a whole week. I also despise cleaning the bathroom so that is a goal I am working on :).

    Really no one is perfect and everyone has strengths and things they really shine at and everyone has things that have to be worked on continually. I think this may have come from a RS talk by Elder Uchtdorf about as human beings we are all masters at comparing our weaknesses to other's strengths. When we do that we will always fall short, but if we can keep our focus on what we did well that day or are proud of (even simple things like reading a book to your boys)it will assure you that you are making a difference.

    Well wow, now I have written a novel, but just know I am sending you hugs from here in CA and thinking of you. Hope you have a terrific Thursday!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Sarah! I've tried the menu plan in my planner before but since Jesse usually comes home full, it demotivated me to make anything at all. Haha! But I will try it again. I like the idea of having a fixed kind of meal on a specific day. As for ironing, I also ironed bulks when I was pregnant with Josh. Good for a week, like you said. But it just kills my knees and my hands are always burning hot afterwards. But I will try to get back to it.

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  4. PRAYING! <3

    P.S. Three great comments so far!

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  5. I think whatever you see that is imperfect in your self is part of being human, and recognizing it is the first in growing, improving, and becoming better. Hang in there girl. You are a good wife, and a good mommy. And really, there are days when dinner is not ready, or laundry that is not done. Anyway, I am rambling now. I miss you.

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  6. If it helps make you feel better, I don't iron Ryan's clothes either. I just make sure I take them out of the dryer right away and straight to the hanger. It helps! And I don't take Ryder out everyday either. You're doing great:) There's a lot of pressure on stay-at-home mums to do, make, even be everything, but honestly, you're already doing, making, and being everything. You're raising two kids, all while tending the house and being a good wife, that's hard work! Ryan keeps saying that it's so much easier to go to work, you finish at around 5, sometimes earlier, than being a stay at home mum 'cause you don't have a clock out. Hang in there and look for the good in you! You're awesome and doing great, and I'm not just saying that to make you feel better - it's the truth:)

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