January 22, 2013

When a Song Used to Make Me Cry

It's been 17 months today since I gave birth to our second son. 15 months since the last time I was really depressed (them baby blues). I was depressed way until the first four months, but the first two months were the worst ones. You know, when you've just given birth, you just feel ugly and dirty and not human - more like a zombie cow. I didn't like to look at myself in the mirror. I was losing some hair, my hair was always tangled and sticking out everywhere, I had big circles underneath my eyes, and I just looked plain tired.

Each nursing session was a love-hate feeling for me. I loved it because I was cuddling with my boy at the same time. I hated it because it was just too long (yes, I gave him both sides all the time) for the other toddler who was waiting for us to get done. I always listened to Boyce Avenue on every nursing session just to have something to watch. And what do you know, this song always got me crying (I always blamed the hormones):



I always soaked in all the words, imagining my husband saying them to me even though I felt ugly about myself. And even just the imagination of being appreciated (thanks to this song) made me cry! Hahaha! Looking back now, I think I was too cheesy back then. My husband did tell me all those times that I still looked pretty. Most of the time I felt like he was lying, but I did appreciate his appreciation of me.

2 comments:

  1. I don't think you were "cheesy" Lois...It sounds more like you may have experienced post-partum depression, and not just the blues.
    This song is pretty, but kind of a melancholy melody if someone is already feeling blue~Maybe something more upbeat and chipper would have been better:) BTW, you are very pretty! XOXO!

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  2. I just can't imagine what it must be like to go through PPD. I'm amazed at the strength mothers like you have. And you are awesome beautiful and great just the way you are!

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