March 03, 2013

Thoughts About Having Another

Just opening up again. I just need to vent this out. I have a teeny weeny little problem that's been bugging me lately: baby number 3!

I love babies. I love the age when they can actually interact with you. The age before they turn two. I just love their chunky physique, cute smiles, and total innocence! Such beautiful angels! I love watching them reach milestones after milestones on their own timetable. This is one of the reasons why I want to keep having more kids. We're closing in on that moment when it's time to have another one. But I have one thing that scares me to death - my baby blues. 

How do some moms easily decide, "Oh, let's have another one! And another one!" Why is it that for some people, the first few months with a newborn goes by like a breeze but for others (like me), it's like the longest months of their life?

The thing is, I am not even sure if I had a postpartum depression with both of my births even though I cried a lot on a daily basis - some had reasons, some had no reasons at all. Whenever I heard my husband drive away to go to work, I cried. The thought of being left alone without anyone to help me or to talk to made me really really sad (my gosh, I just cried while typing that out, and I'm not even pregnant). 

I just always thought to myself that it was just the hormones kicking in and I was just exhausted, that's why I was emotional. I never ignored both of my babies when they were newborns. They were constantly in my head. I always made sure they were okay and that I gave them what they needed. I always checked in on them.  All I know is that I was having a hard time coping with all the sudden changes of having a newborn: the sleepless nights, not being able to go out much or do what I want to do, being "FULL" all the time and how much it hurt, being a feeding machine, not being able to find a good position to sleep because it hurts my breasts, the cramps during nursing, the body pains, etc. I also always got so sick like having a mastitis (chills, fever, painful breasts, muscle pains especially by the spine, bad headache) which, in my opinion, is the worst kind of sickness that's not life-threatening. I hated having that! I had the symptoms multiple times when we had J but I never went to the doctor once. It was really terrible, though.

I was thinking maybe it wouldn't be as hard with our third child. C didn't have anyone to play with when J was a newborn. Each nursing session was boring for C because he loved to be with me and didn't leave me until I was done nursing (and nursing always took an hour or so, same with C when he was a baby, because they just both ate a lot but took their sweet time nursing, napping here and there). But with baby number three, C can play with J! They can keep each other occupied when I nurse. The problem is the quiet time I need when the baby naps. I'll have to find my footing again.

I guess what I am really scared of is the physical, emotional, and social changes we'll all have to go through for each new baby that joins our family. When I become comfortable in one part of my life (like I am now) and then lose that comfort zone, it takes me some time to find the right footing again. And it's hard on me emotionally, usually. I always wanted a big family. But my baby blues during the early months of the newborn is making me terrified of having more than two. But deep inside, I still want more. If only I could skip those first three months...

4 comments:

  1. They are really hard months. I remember when my 4th was born just crying because I couldn't get off the floor. I nursed on the floor, I changed diapers on the floor, I played on the floor. I was so sad. Not sad as in unhappy, but cried at the drop of a hat. I was easily offended. Not normal for me.
    I will say that it does get easier in some ways with more kids. The oldest one is older and more able to help out or at least stay occupied or help distract others. Harder because there's more of them. But find a good friend. Someone who can just come over and hang out. Give you someone to talk to. Distract you. Something to look forward to.
    It's tough but in the end...worth it! But you know that already.

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  2. I had serious PPD after my second. Thinking of having a third was scary. Thankfully I didn't have it with #3 or #4. I did find that having more made it seem easier. Going from 1 to two was the hardest for me.

    I found with newborns i felt more trapped, like i had to be home. Then I started making little supports, a mom network,we would go over to each others houses, go for walks, etc. Just someone around who understood what i was going through. That, and support from hubby. Being open with him about how I was feeling/what I was needing made all the difference.

    (PS, hi, i'm new to your blog =) I randomly found you in comments on another mama blog I follow)

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    Replies
    1. Hey Vanessa, thanks for your wonderful comment. Just what I needed to hear/read today.

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  3. As in the first two comments, I think it does make a difference to put forth an effort to connect with other young moms...even just going on walks together with the kids, or to the park, or having them over for lunch(peanut butter and jelly)/play. The kids have fun too:)

    I'm sure it would benefit you (and your family) to see a doctor to see if you actually have had PPD and get their advice and assistance. It's nothing to take lightly. There's quite a difference between merely adjusting to a new baby and experiencing PPD.

    Sending love...

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