Six Years

Before I got married and even after then, I always heard seasoned married people (or at least had several years of experience ahead of me) that the first five years is often the hardest part of marriage, that technically it's still a honeymoon stage. You are adjusting to a new lifestyle and are considering another person in your decision-making. It's not just about you anymore. It's not an "I, My, Mine, Me" lifestyle. It's an "Us, We, Ours." You can't just make a decision, especially important life decisions, on your own. Well you can if you want to, but that is not how marriage works.

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I also heard and read and was told about many other advice or words of wisdom. Like for example, "You can't change your spouse, but you can change yourself." When one of my closest friends in college was getting married, we were walking to the cafeteria when she asked me, "who is your first priority in marriage? Your children or your spouse?" I didn't know the right answer then. Well, maybe I did, but I was taken aback and wasn't able to answer for a while. I thought deeply about it, thinking about what I saw growing up. In my mother's world, we came first. At least that's how I felt. So I blurted, "my children." "Wrong," she said. "Your spouse always comes first."

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Well, it totally made sense to me. If you want your children to respect you and your spouse, you will show your spouse the kind of respect they deserve and the affection and the love and everything else. The spouse comes first, and when the children sees that, they will emulate that (hopefully) in their own marriage. It, too, will make your marriage better. Of course, I made a mental note that it will only apply - to me, at least - as long as he is not abusive or anything of that sort.

In all of my still-very-young years, I've already known the kind of man I wanted to marry. I won't get into details why, but I was really determined to meet that kind of man. Not a boy, a man. Maybe a man in a boy figure. Hehe! However, I still learned one or two more things before that day came, before the "FOR ALL TIME AND ETERNITY" came: 1) I have to qualify on certain kinds of qualifications just as much as I have a list of qualifications for the kind of man I wanted to marry. 2) Not all of those in my list about him will be checked, just as all of my list about my self-improvement will be checked before that day came.

We are past the five years, and even though it's still very early into our marriage, I feel we've grown together in this journey for the better. I have changed. I'm still not perfect, but I have changed because of his trust, love, and patience. An incredible amount of patience. Like in every marriage, there have been ups and downs. I pouted a lot. He apologized a lot. Sometimes I got on his nerves, mostly because I just won't say what's wrong when I pout. We are so different but we complement each other.

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I am glad I was able to meet that kind of man I wanted to marry. Sure I may have written a shallow "as handsome as Brad Pitt" in my list, which I doubt I did, but my husband is the best one for me. Brad Pitt is not handsome anyway, not to me at least. Haha!

If you were so curious, my list was not really long and some of them were shallow qualifications but the main ones I focused on were: he loves the Lord, respects the Priesthood, he loves me and our children, he doesn't hurt me and the children especially physically, and a responsible breadwinner. Someone who will let me stay home with the children was a plus. And he met all of these. I really don't know what I did to deserve him in my life. But he is here, he is my husband, and I couldn't be any happier. I am doing my best to continue feeding the fire, feeding the love, respecting him, thinking of him first (even though I don't make dinner on a daily basis), and basically just thinking of how I can make him happy and how I can contribute to make this marriage happy and joyful and peaceful all at the same time despite the random rain and storms at times, because he is doing his part, his 100%+ in this marriage. I couldn't have asked for anyone else.

Note to Self - It's ... Staying In Love

21 was my planned earliest age to get married when I was still just barely in 6th grade. When I was a teenager, I have always been wondering who among the guys I've met in my life (or will meet since then) will turn out to be my future spouse.

One day I turned 21 years old. Months passed when I became really down and depressed not because I couldn't find 'the one' but because of something else. I was in a different country, far away from my family and had no one to talk to so I sent an email to my mom telling her about my problem. A part of my email had these thoughts from my very young mind:

When I was young, maybe when I was 11, I used to think how much love it took for all parents in this world had to have before they married their spouse, how hard married life is, and how couples endured those hard times. I had no idea because I was young. But now, eventhough I don't have the complete idea yet, at least I have a few. When we marry, sacrifice will always be there (especially sacrificing your own pleasures and interests), selflessness and consideration, understanding, patience, appreciation, endurance, charity, meekness and humility, kind words and good communication, and most important is love... and keeping it alive no matter how much it would seem to die in the years that passes by. It's being in love and staying in love always, and keeping it that way til your hair turns gray and your skin becomes wrinkly and your sight blurs, no matter how much it wants to die out.  Marriage is a team... efforts must be done together both by the couple with the aid of our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. "Neither is the man without the woman and neither is the woman without the man... in Christ". These are the few things I learned about marriage as years passed and as I prepared myself for it. It's not complete yet... but it's a fairly good amount of knowledge to start with. I know there will be more sooner or later.

I got married 11 months after I sent this email. I was glad I came across this just a few days ago. My innocent, younger self reminded me, even besides being single at the time, some things about marriage that I have to remember forever. And she was right - there were more things learned since then, and there will always be things to be learned as the years go by. I can honestly say that in our marriage, I'm the one who needs a lot of improvement. I love being married and I love my husband. I am so blessed with a loving husband. He loves me and he loves our children so much. We are not perfect at it but I can see that he's trying everyday to include our Savior in the center of our daily lives. And I admire him for that.