Advice Wipes

I am grateful to have parents and parents-in-law who never dictated/instructed us how to raise our children. They let us learn this all on our own and trust our instincts, and only gave us advice when we asked.

I have long since stopped giving advice to any one in any thing, especially anything about parenting, unless they asked me. These are some of my experiences of a wake-up call:

1) Back some years ago, a mom with a second adopted baby cried out on Facebook that she is having a tough time. Having had a second baby myself, having known how dreadful postpartum depression is, having BEEN THERE and thinking that she doesn't even have to deal with the pains of recovering from birthing or engorgement, I eagerly jumped up and commented it will be okay and it will pass. A mutual friend commented that whoever says that don't really know what they are talking about ... how the heck should they know what they are talking about because they do not know what you are going through. Of course it offended me because I have had PPD, I have had a hard time recovering emotionally and physically, and I felt totally qualified to say IT WILL PASS, it will be okay. But then I realized it was not my place to say such things. It was not what that mom needed to hear from me.

2) In no way bragging, my kids were always good travelers when we used to live in Las Vegas. Our drive to my in-laws usually took 6 hours, and we have survived it without iPads or iPhones in the car (except for me, haha!). One day one of my close friends got a van with those built-in DVD players and she posted on Facebook how happy she was that her kids now can watch movies while they drive. I arrogantly commented, "I'd rather talk to my kids" and she casually responded, "ouch." I felt like slapping my face for hurting her and I immediately apologized.

3) If any of you remember my post some months ago about an "On This Day" post I made when my first child was a toddler, you will recall that I said the AAP suggests no more than 1 hr (or something) of watching tv for toddlers 2 and up and none at all for babies younger than that. I bragged, saying we have survived our days without TV, etc. On my "On This Day" repost, I said I was laughing at my past self (because ever since J was born, that parenting style went outside the window even though I only let C watch nursery things like the alphabet, colors, shapes, etc). I saw that younger version of me as an arrogant, pompous parent, and I was laughing at my her thinking "Oooh, you're in so much trouble."

So, yes, I have stopped (and still trying to stop) giving unsolicited advice to parents on how to raise their kids unless I was asked how I did certain things. The only thing that matters is that they love them and that they are doing the best they can in the best way they know how while dealing with their own weaknesses and shortcomings.

 Elder M. Russell Ballard has said, "There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family. Many are able to be “full-time moms,” at least during the most formative years of their children’s lives, and many others would like to be. Some may have to work part-or full-time; some may work at home; some may divide their lives into periods of home and family and work. What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else."  (Daughters of God, Apr. 2008)

38 Weeks

The crib is set up. The pack-n-play, too (because our room is small to put the crib in there, so her crib stayed in her room while her pack-n-play is going to be in our room while she's sleeping with us). I've taken the diaper box out (old diapers from J, they don't expire you know) and stored it in her room along with my personal nursing things. I've washed her "just enough" amount of clothes (we still need to get her some winter clothes, she only has mostly onesies and footed sleepers haha!), folded and tucked them neatly away.

My planner has been filled since last Sunday to the day before she's due to come - things I need to do/clean/prepare (freezer meals, anyone?) before the big day - if she does wait 'til that day. The hospital bag lay open on her crib, waiting to be filled with last items like toiletries or cellphone chargers. The rechargeable batteries have been collected and are now being charged for future repeated use (crib mobile, swing, vibrating chair, toys, etc).

I look at my planner and see that on a particular day, I have to clean this and that because it will probably be months before I get to do it again (*cough* the oven, for example, which was, and still is, really dirty when we moved in). "Ooh, maybe sterilize her bottles on this day so it's not so far away from her due date." Clean the bathrooms, clean the shower, clean the windows and glass doors (also dirty when we moved in, like it hasn't been cleaned for more than a year), clean the vents (also dirty when we moved in. They can actually catch on fire easily with the amount of dust stuck in them), clean the floors, etc. I am nesting, my heart and spirit are willing but my body isn't.

I am big. Well, at least my belly is big. I can't find a comfortable position anymore. Not sitting up, not lying down, and definitely not standing up. I can't count how many times I almost fell trying to go downstairs just because I can no longer see where I'm stepping at, and most of the time it's when I walked my son to school.

Yes, walk. I hate it now because it hurts me. Well at least I hate it FOR NOW while I'm in pain doing it, but I like the short moment it gives me each way to be with my boys and not anything else. Plus it's like a forced kind of exercise before I give birth, walking to and from school five days a week.

Sleeping is a pain. Literally. I've been having a lot of Braxton Hicks lately and aside from having to wake up every 30 minutes or so to go pee, sometimes the Braxton Hicks keep me up an hour or two a stretch on the nights that it visits me. I just look at it this way: I can go back to sleep right away. With a newborn, that's not the case. Especially if you're the one with the food supply. So for now I'll take the pains and discomfort and cherish how I actually have it easier right now.

It's kind of nerve-wracking thinking that next weekend is my last weekend with just our two boys and then our lives will change again. She'll join our small family and my routine will be thrown off. To be honest, I have mixed feelings at the moment. Knowing how I've been with my first two children, I am scared that I will be the same when she comes. You know, the baby blues. Emotional roller coaster, constant sickness (I think it was mastitis though I was never diagnosed because I never went to see a doctor each time I got sick), loneliness, fatigue, etc. The whole package.

And J. I wish I could spend more time alone with him now that his older brother is in school. I've enjoyed the short time (a month by the time I give birth) of alone time I've had with him - something we never really had since he was born. It made our bond stronger as a mother and son. I got to know him more. I wish I could do more for him - take him to places, run with him (I can't), play more "boyish" stuff with him, read comfortably with him, explore this new State we live in with him - now that we have the chance to be together, just me and him. But I can't. I am limited to my limited amount of daily strength that I need to share with all of my boys/man. At times I want this just-me-and-J-time to last longer - a couple of months more or so with me in full capacity to do a lot more than I can now with him - to make up for the three years that he hardly had any chance to spend one-on-one time with me. But that's not possible. How am I ever going to give him that alone-time attention again that he just barely got? I think in some ways I'm not ready to give it up just yet.

But despite all these fears and anxiety, along with the unknown of raising a daughter (it really feels like being a first-time parent all over again), I am ecstatic to meet our little girl. I am excited to hold her, to smell her, to let her share her innocence with me, with her Dad, and her brothers. I am excited to let her feel she is loved, and to feel her love as well. So many good things in store as she grows up with her brothers. What a blessing she is to us. C is very excited to meet her. He gives my belly kisses and hugs more than five times a day, and whispers, "I love you baby sister!" Lately he's been pretending that she answers him with, "I love you too!" J is now slightly aware he's about to have a baby sister, but still kind of oblivious to it. I'm surely gonna miss him a lot when she comes, the same way I missed C when he came. But I am ready and excited to welcome our daughter into this world.

The Big Move

It's been really really busy lately. For those of you who do not know, we're moving to the east coast for my husband's "job relocation." I think I lost sense of my inner clock since we have been doing a lot of traveling since the last days of June.

We are moving to Baltimore, MD! Tonight will be the last night we will all sleep on our beds, and it won't be until 2 or 3 weeks until we sleep on them again. Tomorrow, the professional movers are coming in at 8:00 am to pack our things, and someone else is taking away our Toyota Sienna minivan for shipping. Also, tomorrow will start our hotel life until our things arrive in Baltimore. We fly to Baltimore this weekend. It'll be our youngest's first time to fly in an airplane. We're so excited to see him experience that!

I'm blogging right now because I feel like I will lose my mind if I don't. I need some sort of outlet. I am so stressed just thinking of the days ahead, or even the next hour to come. There's just so many things to do before and after the move (i.e. packing, unpacking, finding a new doctor, changing address, internet connection, etc.) I wish I could do more than I can at the moment, but my hefty belly and aching body prevents me from doing so. But it's good to know that I am more than healthy enough to do enough. What's left right now is packing our remaining things that we need to bring with us for the start of our hotel life, and getting the pantry rid of food to be donated to the food bank, I think? That, and cleaning the house on Friday. CLEANING! Friday stresses me out most, I think.

How do I feel about this move? I am excited, anxious, and everything else mixed together. I sure love the green - trees, grass, bushes. Something I've been looking forward to. And oh, lots of things to do with our children! My husband and I never actually lived in a state/city where it snowed a lot for a long time, so this winter will be our first white Christmas! I got tired of living in the desert that I'm actually ready to leave it. The only thing that's making me not want to move is because I will AGAIN be pulled far away from my family and friends. I don't know if it's my pregnancy hormones, but sometimes I feel like I always have to be the one that has to deal with the loneliness of being away from family and friends.

But I can't complain. Believe it or not, I do see the blessings that came with this new transition and new page in our book of life as a family unit. Both material and spiritual things. And just thinking of those gives me enough strength to carry on and know that I can do this. It will be a good, fresh start. Looking forward to our new life!

P.S. - This makes all of our children born in 3 different states! Isn't that cool! ^.^

Growing Pains

Well, it's been another while since my last update.

C has graduated from preschool. He loved preschool and he loved making friends there. He's turning five soon and I'm a little sad that we aren't throwing him a party with his friends and/or cousins over. It'll be just another simple birthday celebration. Heck I don't even know yet what to do for him on that day, but I'm sure we'll have fun.

J is still his silly, will-powered self. He's beginning to construct sentences better. It's cute and all, but it also kind of makes me sad that my baby is indeed growing up. He's getting better in using the toilet to do his business, even with going #2. Potty training him this time around had been so much easier for all of us than the first time we tried.

My husband applied for an assistant controller a few weeks back, got through the interviews (phone and in-person), and now we are looking at many weekends ahead full of traveling because he got the job. We'll be traveling for house hunting where we'll be moving, and traveling to see family and friends before we leave our close proximity to them. It's going to be a busy month and maybe even after we've settled down. More on this on a different post later.

And me, still growing. I'm 24 weeks pregnant as of today. My little princess is living up to her reputation as the princess of this household. She has been harder to carry than her two older brothers. I always find myself exhausted - a lot more exhausted than I was in my previous pregnancies - and in pain. Just pain everywhere. Sometimes it even hurts my everything when I walk, or when I roll over in bed. I don't know if that has something to do with placenta previa but most days I just want to lie down in bed and have a maid clean the house, or a babysitter to take care of our kids, or a chef to make us good food. I haven't been making dinner a lot because of it. I mean I've always been like that, but I'm worse now. Just glad that my husband understands and doesn't complain.

I'm a little upset that my doctor's appointment has been moved to 2 more weeks (that's 6 weeks since the last time I met her, 4 days before we leave Vegas) because she suddenly isn't available at the time they gave me and now they had to push me over to some random date to accommodate HER needs, not mine. So there's a possibility that I won't get that ultrasound before our move. We'd have to find a new doctor first which will probably take by August before I get another ultrasound. I really need that ultrasound. I just ... all I want to know is if everything's better and if so, then I can have some things, even just ONE thing, back to normal.

I think the reason why I'm in this blog post right now is not just to merely update it, but because my pathetic, insignificant disappointments are building up and I need to let some, if not all, of my steam out. So, thank you, for bearing with me. I appreciate it. :)

Note to Self: Time Well Spent

Well, here I am again. My belly is bulging and cramping, my back aches, and my eyes are heavy. But it's been a productive, albeit tiring, day. J is potty training again since yesterday, and this time I don't want to back out no matter how long it takes us. It will just get harder from here on out if I keep postponing it. I am getting bigger and more uncomfortable, and if I don't do it now I won't be able to do it until after the baby comes. All in all, he is doing good. Still no #2 (our day today started with a missed opportunity for  #2 and it landed on the bathroom floor as I was lifting him up to the toilet seat), but his #1's have been great.

I know I just said I'm exhausted. I am. Going back and forth to the bathrooms potty training a toddler is taxing for a pregnant mom of two sons, especially when the man of the house is not around. But why am I up? Well, for one, it's only 9:30 pm when I started typing this. Two, I just finished catching up with my journal so I have nothing to update about there. Three, I read too much today (as my way of waiting for J to go back and use the bathroom again). Four, I'm just not ready to go to bed. 

Well, here's one thought that's been roaming around my head. As you can see, I just started using Swagbucks again. And man does it feel like working from home.

I just met my daily goal after I put the kids to bed today.

 In the past days, as soon as I started trying to meet the daily "Swagbucks earned" goals, I noticed I've been sitting on the computer much longer than I used to - answering polls and surveys, scouring coupons, playing (not watching) videos, etc. in order to rack up points (which are redeemable with gift cards). Sure, I'm doing it to help financially, at least a little. But I've noticed I've taken my eyes off from the ones that mattered most to me longer than I needed to.

"Mom, look at this!" "Woah..." (unattentive response while eyes were glued to the monitor).

I found this one on Pinterest a while back, and it's been stuck in my head ever since.

In this day and age where everywhere we go and in everything we do, there is technology right up at our face, it's hard not to get distracted. It's hard to focus on people who are with us face-to-face while our minds are busy traveling somewhere else with some other people we see in our device. I am guilty to this. 

Sure there are good reasons for using technology. I am not at all against it. We can update our far-away families in real-time, for one. But sometimes we tend to overuse it and end up neglecting things/people that mattered more. Like my kids for me.

So here was a challenge I gave to myself about a week ago - to keep my time with technology at bay, and spend more time listening to and playing with my kids.

My action plans? 1) Sit down in front of the computer at nap times and bed times only, and/or when/if the man of the house lets me get a little break when he gets home; or when the boys want some "Jabbawockeez" dance routine moment. 2) Eat meals with them at the dining table, without my phone. This hasn't been a problem to me but I want to set an example to them, too. 3) If they do have to watch a movie, lie down on the couch and have them have a go with their "lambing" (cuddles) with me. 4) More reading and story times! I used to be great at this when we only had one child. I want to bring it back. More outdoor things done with them. Well maybe after potty training.. haha! 5) Moderation is key. Of course there are times I really have to be with technology and they need to know they don't always get everything and all of my attention all the time. Do all things in moderation - they need to learn some things by themselves and I need to do things I enjoy by myself sometimes, too. For example, sometimes I read a book while they play with each other and that's not bad, as long as I can pay attention to them as well.

 Recently I've limited my technology activity to posting my 100 Happy Days post for the day. And maybe a half hour of Facebooking here and there. Like I said, I am trying to do things in moderation. Besides, I can't sit in front of the computer for more than 30 minutes (yeah my back is killing me right now, actually).

Last thought for this long post, I was skimming through some blog posts earlier after I put the boys to bed (yay, Pull-Ups time!). Most of the comments on this one blog defended themselves together with the blogger how sometimes they really just need to be with technology even when they are at the park with their kids. I only scrolled through some and what I've noticed is this: they always have more than enough things to juggle. They have their own business (photography), blog to maintain, Facebook group to admin (2 or 3 of them), work emails, plus school and homeschooling, photo editing, etc. These are all good and I don't judge them at all. Sometimes it is what it is.

I am one of the lucky moms who had the chance to choose to stay home with our kids full-time. Some moms don't have that option, especially the single moms. And because of that, because of their own individual situation, they have to juggle a lot of things. And that's understandable. As for me though as a stay-home mom with a spouse, and this is just my opinion... if all those work load gets all of my time away from my kids even when I am with them physically and even when I say that I'm doing it for them, then I think it's not worth it. Maybe take away the work load that's not really that important, and lessen the load gradually so the extra time can be put with the family and loved ones. Let's try to put it in the eternal perspective - we aren't taking our Facebook-administered group in the next life, or our work emails, or our photography business, or what-not. The kids are only young for a fraction of our lifetime.

We decided I stay home for a reason and if I lose that purpose by spending too much of my time somewhere else, I think I will have just failed greatly. Everything in moderation. Other people really don't have a choice but to juggle multiple things in order to sustain their family. In my whole life's experience, though, more often than not we do have a choice where we put most of our time to. It is not so much as to the quantity of time spent with your loved ones, than is the quality as well. I will try to give both as much as I can. That is my goal for myself and my family.

Sorry if this sounded like a lecture or a "holier than thou" post. I didn't mean it to be. It's just one of those days where I have a screaming thought in my head and I have to write it down fast enough for me to remind myself someday.

Bad Days

This ^ is what was going through my mind (hit repeat of just one line and a blur of the other lyrics you don't know 1 million times for the next 3 days) as I swept the broken shards of our backyard door's blinds' topper (or whatever you call it). It had fallen twice and shattered the rubbery-glass material (the thingy that traps the blind inside the whole topper. Sorry I don't know what these foreign-to-me things are called) on each sides each time it fell. I was attempting to fix the broken blinds that were not aligned with their clones properly, three of them, when the topper fell on me twice. The blinds were ridiculously misaligned because my boys find it fun to play with them. I don't blame them. It's just that we are renting this house and I want to take care of it as much as we can to avoid ridiculous fees when we move out. In our past experiences where I've taken REAL GOOD CARE of the place we were renting, we were charged for things that didn't even occur or happen or break. It's pretty ridiculous how landlords and their managements take advantage sometimes.

This shattered blinds topper deal was on top of my other things that went wrong this morning. And there is still a pile of dirty dishes in the sink that I decided to leave because I was getting so flustered.

It is these kind of things that I struggle with and at the same time my source of strength - when my four-year-old didn't make it to the toilet one day while napping and accidentally spread poo everywhere (his pants, legs, bathroom floor, stairs step, and another bathroom floor), when I need my earphones and I find it all ridiculously tangled I might as well just throw it away, when I step on a toy car with pointed roofing or a piece of lego (good thing they're the huge ones, not the little ones), when J wouldn't stop shrieking at the top of his lungs because his older brother wouldn't let him have what he wanted to have, when J spills milk all over himself and on the floor, when both kids decided they don't want their naps and I was counting on that nap so I could regain my sanity by at least taking a shower, or when J wakes up a little too early from his nap, when it just seems like all elements of nature are combining against you to make you miserable hoping you'd turn into a super saiyan (anime reference), or even just because it is depressing to have another mundane day, and many other things - it's when these things happen that I feel really tested with my patience and my abilities to be a better loving wife, mother, and individual.

Of course it's not fun while it happens at the moment, but I'm sure that in the years to come it'll be things and stories that will make me laugh and think,"how was I ever so mad at that time when it seems so trivial now?" I've had my share of scoldings, always after I've told them "No" quite a lot of times and they wouldn't give heed, but I have such a big room for improvement left to try to always see the bigger picture. How we raise them now, how we discipline our kids now, will affect them in the future.

Ultimately, the important thing is trying to keep a good atmosphere in the home and filling it with love, respect, and kindness. Everything comes down to love. Would we say or do what we were about to at the moment we were flustered if we love that person? I think not. This reminds me of one thing I found on the Web (I can't find the right source):

From my own experiences, I find this true. It is so hard when the unideal way of raising a child is so engraven on you, in you, and all around your whole being, and you want to change it ... so bad. But ultimately, your love for your own family wins you over, and then you find the strength to overcome your weaknesses, especially on the bad days, and raise your own children in a more loving way. 

I don't exactly know what I'm talking about. What I know is that I am weak when it comes to these things and I can't do my responsibilities as a good parent without the help of a Higher Being, our Father in Heaven, and his "angels." 

Let us remember that it all comes down to love. When we love someone, we are kind to them, respectful to them, and we care for them. And now I must go because J decided to wake up a little too early from his nap - again. HA!

Thoughts About Having Another

Just opening up again. I just need to vent this out. I have a teeny weeny little problem that's been bugging me lately: baby number 3!

I love babies. I love the age when they can actually interact with you. The age before they turn two. I just love their chunky physique, cute smiles, and total innocence! Such beautiful angels! I love watching them reach milestones after milestones on their own timetable. This is one of the reasons why I want to keep having more kids. We're closing in on that moment when it's time to have another one. But I have one thing that scares me to death - my baby blues. 

How do some moms easily decide, "Oh, let's have another one! And another one!" Why is it that for some people, the first few months with a newborn goes by like a breeze but for others (like me), it's like the longest months of their life?

The thing is, I am not even sure if I had a postpartum depression with both of my births even though I cried a lot on a daily basis - some had reasons, some had no reasons at all. Whenever I heard my husband drive away to go to work, I cried. The thought of being left alone without anyone to help me or to talk to made me really really sad (my gosh, I just cried while typing that out, and I'm not even pregnant). 

I just always thought to myself that it was just the hormones kicking in and I was just exhausted, that's why I was emotional. I never ignored both of my babies when they were newborns. They were constantly in my head. I always made sure they were okay and that I gave them what they needed. I always checked in on them.  All I know is that I was having a hard time coping with all the sudden changes of having a newborn: the sleepless nights, not being able to go out much or do what I want to do, being "FULL" all the time and how much it hurt, being a feeding machine, not being able to find a good position to sleep because it hurts my breasts, the cramps during nursing, the body pains, etc. I also always got so sick like having a mastitis (chills, fever, painful breasts, muscle pains especially by the spine, bad headache) which, in my opinion, is the worst kind of sickness that's not life-threatening. I hated having that! I had the symptoms multiple times when we had J but I never went to the doctor once. It was really terrible, though.

I was thinking maybe it wouldn't be as hard with our third child. C didn't have anyone to play with when J was a newborn. Each nursing session was boring for C because he loved to be with me and didn't leave me until I was done nursing (and nursing always took an hour or so, same with C when he was a baby, because they just both ate a lot but took their sweet time nursing, napping here and there). But with baby number three, C can play with J! They can keep each other occupied when I nurse. The problem is the quiet time I need when the baby naps. I'll have to find my footing again.

I guess what I am really scared of is the physical, emotional, and social changes we'll all have to go through for each new baby that joins our family. When I become comfortable in one part of my life (like I am now) and then lose that comfort zone, it takes me some time to find the right footing again. And it's hard on me emotionally, usually. I always wanted a big family. But my baby blues during the early months of the newborn is making me terrified of having more than two. But deep inside, I still want more. If only I could skip those first three months...

What's For Dinner?

Tonight was one of those nights. "What's for dinner?" is probably one of the many constant things I ask myself on a daily basis, and is usually not done in a timely manner and most of the time not done AT ALL (breakfast for dinner, anyone?)

Well, yesterday I didn't make anything for dinner. I wasn't up to the task. I was lazy and I gave in. So my dear hubs went out and bought the ingredients for our tortilla soup - and as usual (when it comes to meals like this), the kids had something else.

I was stuck with "what's for dinner" question all day today, AGAIN! My meal calendar was blank. I was scanning my head for anything I knew what to make but they didn't seem appealing. "STIR-FRY" is what my head always said. Still clueless after the kids' nap, I threw one frozen chicken breast on a sauce pan and boiled it, not knowing what I'd make of it. "Stir-fry" is what my brain still told me. So stir-fry it was! But how will I make the stir-fry? "Easy! Just let me tell you later," is what my dear brain replied.

I made some rice. Got the chicken out and shredded it. Took out some frozen broccoli florets, LUCKY we had a red bell pepper in the fridge, and the usual onion and garlic. No measurements, just basic guessing. No sense of smell, so I couldn't smell what I was cooking. All I knew was to throw in whatever came into my head. Sautéed the onion and garlic in olive oil, unthawed the broccoli quickly in the sink with cold water, threw it in the pan, sprinkled it with whatever spices I found in my cabinets (lemon pepper, chicken rub, season-all, salt, pepper). Stirred/mixed it with the sautéed garlic and onion for a little bit.  Covered the pan for a little while, hoping the taste of the spices will stick to the veggies and the little steam will make the broccoli soft because it's frozen. Threw in the bell pepper, and the shredded chicken - and stirred!

But omigosh, it's getting too dry! I opened the fridge, and voila! Some leftover chicken broth from last night's dinner. Poured a bit in (again no measurements, just guessing) in the frying pan. Sprinkled some more spices (same ones) hoping this will turn out good. Covered it and left for however minutes on low heat until I thought it was good enough to consume.

My heart almost melted during dinner when J attacked the broccoli and the red bell pepper first before anything else, and C ate BROCCOLI without any tantrums thrown, and he finished his whole bowl! (J ate a lot, too, but played with the rest). My picky-eater liked my experimental dinner! It's this kind of night when both kids love the meal, that makes me say it was all worth it.

Sorry, no pictures. I was kinda lazy to take a picture of it, but it was honestly yummy!

Things I Wanna Do

I was sitting here all caught up with my journal again, and the boys are still taking their naps. When they are sleeping and I'm all by myself, I just seem to contemplate on many things. But today I was thinking of the things that I really want to do and that I really plan to do along the way..

* Teach C how to spell and write his whole name (and maybe how to read even just the basic words). 
- I've been pretty good at home schooling (in a way) this little smart guy before J was born. But since after having his brother, I feel like C has been stuck with what he knew before his little brother was born. The Alphabet, counting to 20, puzzles, love for reading books, shapes, colors, etc. I think it's time to move him up a notch and teach him how to at least write/read. He knows the sounds of the letters now so maybe teaching him how to read someday won't be as hard.

* Teach J the Alphabet, numbers 1-10, shapes, puzzles, colors, etc.
- It was about this age when C started recognizing these better. With C, I used to draw the letters, numbers, and shapes for him and then asked him what they were. For colors, we used crayons or any colorful thing. I know we shouldn't compare and I'm not. J can grow on his own timeline, but I want to provide him the learning experiences, too. The other night J said "A, B, C" on his own while holding out a rubber B for the bath tub. I told him, "B." He replied, "B! A... B.. C!" So cute!

* Teach the children their other language
- I know I've talked about this on and off, and it's been on and off in the house. They have more Filipino blood in them than anything else. I got used to seeing them as Americans. I haven't been seeing them as half-Filipinos. I need to be more consistent when I speak to them. Getting used to speaking English to them in a non-Filipino environment just makes it harder for me to REMEMBER to speak Tagalog to them. I need to do better.

* Read more books with my boys. Go out more with my boys. Play with them more. Be more kind and patient to them. Give them my full attention. Provide them with better exploration experiences like I did when I was young (playing in the rain and mud, looking closely at plants and tiny insects, catching a dragonfly, etc). All the good parenty stuff. Love them better. Be more involved with them.

* Make my projects.

- So far these are:
(1) Making a growth chart. This was originally planned for right after Jesse finished all his CPA test, but it still collects dust in our garage. We have the wood and a few sanding things. We need the paint and whatever else we needed to make it. The wood is not straight so it's kind of a little unmotivating.
(2)  Repaint the wall shelf for the bathroom or somewhere else that we got for $1.50 (that shelf that sticks against a wall and there are hooks underneath it. I don't know what it's called).
(3) J's Photobook of his first year. 
(4) Photobook of the years I haven't done which are 2011 and 2012. I haven't been organizing my hard drive and editing our photos, thus not being able to upload to Shutterfly (I want our uploaded photos looking nice so they're ready for printing). I can't tell you how many Free 101 4x6 prints and free photobooks from Shutterfly that I've missed. This (editing and uploading photos) is my main project this year.

* Deep clean our house. Hang picture frames on the wall (haven't done so since we left Hawai'i in 2010).

* Get our children's double citizenship
- Yes, they are automatically American citizens and at the same time Filipino citizens. We just need to do the paperwork for it.

* Cook more yummy and healthy dinners every day right before my husband comes home from work. 
- I was getting good at meal planning before this month came. But ever since we all got sick and are still trying to get better, and my husband's so busy with his Ethics test and his motorcycle licensing, I kind of put the dinner-making on hold. Maybe I can try making freezer meals one of these days.

* Learn how to make myself look pretty and presentable
- Yes, my husband tells me all the time that I am pretty. There was one day, though, where I asked for his honest opinion and he said, "Yeah, I'd like to see you try sometimes." If you know me, I'm the kind of gal who doesn't wear make-up. I used to at least fix my hair and put on cute outfits pre-married life. But even straightening my hair went out the window after I became a mom. Right now this "make me pretty" thing is kind of unmotivating because I don't like shopping for make-ups and nice clothes - and those are what I don't have at the moment. I live with just my hair brush.

I recently bought several tiny nail polishes from Amazon, though, and started growing my nails out a bit. I'll start from there, I think. Then maybe I can thread my eyebrows someday but that just looks tricky right now. I want to look nicer for my husband especially for when we have dinners with his boss(es). He deserves so much more than what he sees right now.

There are really so many more things besides these that I want to do for my family. I am honestly just usually lazy. My boys are the easiest children to take care of, ever, and I have all the time to myself if I wanted to do these. Sometimes I just like to beat myself hard for not being the kind of wife and mom that I could and should be.

Amazing How Far a Little Compliment Can Go

It's really amazing, especially when it's sincere. It makes one feel good about himself. And in most cases, chases away uncertainties about oneself.

When our Stake (Las Vegas South Stake) at Church was reorganized, we were one of the families who were moved to a different ward. The bishopric were - and is - awesome! They actually came out to visit us, all three of them, during the first few weeks of the new changes in boundaries. Their ward (which is then our new ward) lost a lot of families, too, mostly the ones who held bigger callings at Church (not that other callings aren't as important, they all are. I just meant, you know, the presidents in RS, EQ, YW, or something along those lines). They asked us if we are able to help through our callings once we are given them, and my husband and I both said, "Yes."

Fast forward a month later, I was sitting inside the clerk's office with the Bishop's first counselor and was given the calling of a Den Leader to the wolf cub scouts. I have never turned down any calling. I firmly believe that each calling, being given by right authority, is from God, no matter how obscure the calling may seem, or how hard it may seem, or even how unknown it is to me.

Well for this one, it was very unknown. I had never been in scouting before. Well, twice (but I don't count them as being in the scouts). Once when I was a very young girl and I only know one bit of it and I'm pretty sure I didn't stay in cub scouts for a long time (or whatever the name was for the little girl scouts). Then second in high school but I only stayed for a week before I switched to C.O.C.C. (Cadet Officers Candidate Course). It's like the high school version of the college R.O.T.C.

So, since I was never really into scouting from the beginning, I didn't know how I would do my calling as the Den Leader to the young 8-year-old boys. I was clueless about scouting, let alone being a den leader. When I hear the word "scouts," I automatically think about camping and learning different rope ties and what-not. That's all. But still, I accepted the calling even though there were many uncertainties in my head. Tackling the unknown is something I am not good at.

The first few weeks of 2012 was kind of a wing-it thing, because the first people who held those callings before us (who were moved to a different ward) didn't keep a record of what the boys had done. And I didn't have my 8-year-olds, so I was just taggling along the Bear Scouts. But I went to each Den Meeting and Pack Meeting because I know I had to even though I didn't have my own scouts yet.

When 2013 came, the panic began. I still didn't know much, I was still hanging in the air, I felt so lost in everything. I didn't know what the awards were or what the kids had to do to get them (I just know there are a bunch of activities in their book), where to sign their books or what to do with them. I didn't know anything at all, not even the Pledge of Allegiance. I have one scout, and 2 on the way this month. I missed the first Den meeting because I thought we were gonna combine with the Bears, and I didn't feel good so I just stayed at home. But the conversation I had with one of the Scouts leaders (who's in the Primary Presidency) that night made me feel so bad. She didn't make me feel it, I did it to myself. Since then I promised myself I'll try my best to come to every meetings.

The following weeks since then, I tried to come to every meetings and a weekend Stake training that I missed (it was moved to different location which my leader and I didn't know until I got to the old location, and my leader told me to just go back home since she doesn't know where the new place was at either). I asked to be set apart and listened carefully to the blessings the next day. One of them was, "People are willing to help you and those who know are willing to teach you. You are not alone in this calling." How the cheese did he know what I wanted to hear? Having that stuck in my head, I knew I could do this and I will do this. I will try and do this. I skimmed through the books and tried to figure out about awards (and asked the Cub Master about it). I didn't combine with the Bears anymore even though I only had one cub scout with me. Two boys have been joining us even though they aren't going to turn 8 yet until sometime this month, which made our meetings more fun for the one scout I have.

There's a banquet coming up and I was looking at some things my scouts could do before then so they could get some awards, and handed a list to their parents and explained to them that they can do anything else with the boys, the list is just ideas. One of the moms thanked me and told me, "Wow, you are so dedicated."

As soon as she told me that, my doubts about myself flew away. I felt good about how I'm trying to fulfill this calling, no matter how unknown it was to me. At the same time, I thought to myself that I should compliment C's Primary teachers (and J's near-future Nursery teacher), too. Pass-it-on, pay-it-forward kind of thing. A compliment to a church leader can go a very long way. We never know how much uncertainties they have about themselves, or anything else we aren't aware about. But a simple compliment can help them push through.

Some Good in this World

So I was thinking today about how bad this world is getting, and how much I don't want my kids to grow up in this cruel and wicked generation. But they are in here now, and they are a choice generation. They're going to have to face a more wicked world than my generation did. 

As long as our children in this generation are raised in the way God would have us raise them, no matter what the outcome may be, then we could at least say to ourselves that we tried our best in giving something good to this world.

(A little bit of a cheesy clip to make a point... hehe!)

I have a long way to go. I have many things to work on myself. I can say I've improved even just a teeny bit, but there are still many things to work on my personality so that I can be a better example to my kids (the best way to teach them is to let them see me live what we teach them). I may not know now how they will turn out as teenagers and adults, but I'm hoping that when we get to that point, they will be the good examples to their friends and not the bad.

A random picture because I wanted to plaster it here in this post.

I saw this next clip from a friend today which is perfect for this post (which has been in draft mode for a while now). It's actually pretty sweet. Yes, there are still good (things and people) in this world...

Just a little bit of a random, out-of-topic note - if we ever are only allowed to keep two other series of books to read other than our scriptures, I would have Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter in our shelf. Good books for the kids to read when they grow up.

For Every Mother

I just finished a book by Janene Baadsgaard called, "For Every Mother." My dad gave it to me as a random gift. I liked the book in that the stories were short. There were so many wisdom learned as I read from a fellow mother who's been where I am now, have raised ten kids, and are now enjoying her grandchildren through them.

I will post quotes from her books every day (or whenever I can) on my blog as part of my thoughts, but here are some things that stuck with me from her book that I may or may have not already known in my early motherhood stage:

* Our family is the most important thing in the whole wide world.

* Being a mother is the most important role in life one could ever have. Every woman in this world is a mother in many other ways other than having children.

* Every good thing we do for our family now as mothers may not be noticed immediately and sometimes it seems like they are in vain, but don't give up. Someday we will see the fruit of our labors.

* Memories made in the home are more important than acquiring current and trendy things, or keeping the house "up-to-date" with modern designs.

* Time really flies. You barely had a newborn in your hands, and then he'll be leaving home before you could even blink.

* We never have to do it alone. We are never alone in this journey. Our Savior will always be there for us if we just turn to Him & let Him help.

If you don't have time to read a long novel, this is a good book to read. Even just one story a day is good enough. It kept me in the good mood, and motivated me to be a better, non-materialistic, non-whining mom, and made me appreciate this gift of motherhood so much more than I ever did before.

Having Little Boys

I grew up being outnumbered by boys in general. I have more brothers than a sister (five brothers, one sister). I was supposed to be the last one but my parents felt bad for me being the only girl so the little sister was born (good thing she is a girl). And then my little brother was a surprise.

Growing up, I preferred making friends with boys more than I did with girls, though I eventually accidentally ended up hanging out with girls in high school who had almost, if not exactly, the same personality as me. When I went to school in Hawai'i, my first workplace had more boys than girls except for when I worked in the Luau. But then I was the only girl in my last job in Hawai'i as IT-Hardware worker. Talk about being outnumbered by boys all the time.

When my husband and I got married, I always thought of having a little girl someday but I preferred having a boy first. And so, even though we've only had all girls' names prepared, we were happy to find out we were having a boy. My husband, when our boy was born, was so happy his protective fatherly instinct came into effect immediately.

With our second child, I was kind of hoping for a girl since we had a boy already. A few months of pregnancy revealed that we are having yet another boy. At first I was a little sad but then it immediately reverted back to the fact that we are having a baby! And it was such a blessing, I felt thankful and loved that growing baby inside of me.

Well, we're not planning to have a third one yet, of course. But I am hoping to have a girl this time around. But then again, it'll be as happy for me to have a boy again as how it was with the first two.

One perk of having boys that I like so much that I really appreciated a lot more recently is how easy it is to get them dressed. C was getting ready for Joy School this morning. He had a nice shirt on, but had a house shorts on. So I just changed his shorts to jeans and VOILA! All done! No skirts, ribbons, headbands, etc. I'm sure I'll have fun doing that to our little girl someday, though, if we do have at least one girl. Haha!

Another thing I liked about having two boys is that we didn't have to buy a whole new set of outfits and other clothes for J all over again. Seriously, it's only been a handful of times that we bought J some new outfits just because we wanted to. All that he's wearing now are from C. It's awesome! Saved us a lot of money - though that probably went to all the formula we bought (that we never bought with C until he was past 12 months old). 

Toys! Oh yes, toys! I've never been a big fan of girly-girl toys ever since I was a little girl. I always preferred my brothers' toy cars and army men. Anyway, so yeah, it's fun playing with my boys with the kind of toys they like and I like (LOL) but I still would love to play dress-up with our little girl and her barbie doll someday.

The only thing I don't like is, even though it's super easy to shop for their clothes, it's absolutely frustrating with how much fewer selection they have than girls' outfits. But that still doesn't overpower the fun I'm having with these little boys. I love them to pieces! I'm excited to have a little girl someday and watch these "kuya's" be protective of their little sister. That'll be so sweet! I'm sure she'll wrap her fingers around her Dad immediately, too. But for now, these little boys fill my daily life and routine with laughs, yells and screams (against each other), giggles, hide-and-seek, silly maneuvers, and pure joy. Of course there are ups and downs, but it just makes parenting easier to just count the ups instead of the downs.

Addiction

I've decided recently to make this blog as honest as I could make it without putting too much information, of course. I will post the good and the bad - but mostly the good. And today is sort of both. This is going to be an embarrassing moment for me but if it would help someone, then why not share? This post is as honest as it could get.

I am a "gamer chick" as most gamers say. I've grown up playing video games with my brothers on our FAMICOM (Family Computer). We played outdoors, too, of course. And always only after we've finished doing our homework (well at least for me. I don't know how it was with my siblings). I loved playing with them both indoors through our video games, and outdoors with our neighbors' children. Outdoor play was my favorite part of my childhood.

When FAMICOM died, so did we (my siblings and I) as gamers. We were busy growing up, having crushes, having our hearts broken, and what-not. I wasn't interested in games because I couldn't figure out the consoles. They were too complicated (Playstation) for my taste. And I haven't held a game console from high school 'til I married Jesse in college.

One exemption though was when I was still going to school in Hawai'i. It's not necessarily a game console. I played it from my laptop. My co-worker shared a link to me about a game online (me and my siblings' favorite when we were little - Super Mario Bros. 3) and that I could save it and continue where I left off. Normally you can't do that online. So I was curious. That's when I started playing a game again... only after my work and my homework, though. I was happy I finished it for the first time, and then I moved on to more important things to do (like focusing on my studies and meeting boys).

 This was me at the end of the game.

So I technically haven't touched a legit game console since high school 'til I married Jesse. :P It was an Xbox remote control, playing NBA Live (09?) at our friends' apartment in Hawai'i. I was pregnant with C. The boys (Gellor, Taylor, and Sparks) always played this game at the Gellor's house, and the wives didn't mind much even though we stayed there 'til 12:00 midnight. I felt bad for the neighbors once in a while. I was a stay-home wife with no job so I also played another RPG game on my laptop while Jesse studied for his GMAT test right next to me. I quit it soon enough. When C was born, I've played Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook when he was taking a nap (if I didn't feel like making a card or cooking). But I haven't again held another game console since we left Hawai'i.

 Nine months after we moved here in Vegas, I was reading through some articles on Yahoo.com. And I came across an article where they featured some of the best free games online. Only one game attracted me, and it was Spiral Knights.

It was right around May 2011 when I found the game, so it's only been around for a month. It still had lots of "noobs" (new players). I played it once a day, and only when C was taking a nap and I had nothing else to do. I had self-control and discipline. I stopped the game in June or July when pregnancy was taking a toll on me and I'd rather take a nap than play a game.

I haven't played it until end of January this year. When I came back, I made some "friends" in-game. Really nice kids. Some of them are close to my age, but most of them are still young. I even met two LDS brothers, who are not playing anymore (probably got scolded by their parents). The older brother is probably serving his mission now. All these four new friends have stopped playing a month or two after I met them, but I still kept playing and meeting other players.

When we left Hawai'i, I was lonely for friends and I craved to have friends. Even to this point. My friends are in Utah. Or the Philippines. And I constantly dreamed (literally, when I sleep at night) about being with them - hanging out with them, and having playdates with them with our kids. I've tried making friends in my ward at Church when we were new but their friendships have been so established within each other. It was a struggle for a shy person like me to "squeeze in." I know it shouldn't be an excuse but making friends is just not my gift. For me, it's one thing if a friend hangs out with you and switches babysitting with you and stuff, and it's another if they just say "Hi" and "Hello" and have a little chit-chat. You really do more with a friend than an acquaintance-friend (so to speak).

Anyway, so ever since I made "friends" in my "guild" in-game (sort of a tribe or a clan or a group), I couldn't take my eyes off of it. I finally had some people to talk to during the day! And then my character was "leveling up" to a five star (highest). She was no longer a "noob." And when you become a "pro" (well, sort of for myself anyway), you're getting yourself into more addiction to the game because you can do more than when you were a noob. Being a pro is defined in so many ways in that game. Noobs call someone a pro when s/he is a five-star level (meaning every equipment has five stars, and not just one). Pros call you a pro if you can fight really well (having all 5* weapons was not pro enough).  It was such a good game and I was addicted. I soon found myself playing it more often than I really should.

An example of a guild. Ours was called Rigorous, as you can see underneath our names.
I'm the red one without a name (because I was the main character on my screen) seated at the front, third from the right (next to Polygonz).

Players with five star weapons. I'm the one at the back.

It was easier to stop last year because the game, as a noob, gets old. And I didn't know or talk to other players unless I was doing "runs" (levels, fending off monsters, etc) with them. When I came back to playing it this year, I have been good at playing only during nap times at first. But recently, I'd always play it when J is napping, and C wasn't. He was always on Netflix while I played the game. I also played when they were both napping. And then again at night when they go to bed. Sometimes I am even logged on when they're awake, chatting with people. And it also became my "morning coffee" - first thing I do in the mornings when  J is still asleep (C is watching Netflix).

Many nights Jesse had gone to bed without me because I was "busy" playing the game. Before I got really addicted to this, I didn't play at nights at all. I played only once a day, like I said earlier. Or when I started to play at nights, I stopped when Jesse was done studying for his CPA exams. But lately I didn't. I always felt bad when he'd gone to bed without me, but I just couldn't get off (trust me, when you're addicted, it's hard).

I never wanted to purchase anything online if it's for a game. One day Jesse had to go to a business trip, and was leaving me behind with the boys again. I didn't complain but made a deal with him that I would be fine with it if he let me buy a 30-day elevator pass in my game. It was worth $6, and it was the worst spending I've ever made. When you play, you use up some "energy" - to go down the elevator to fight off enemies, to craft a weapon, to revive yourself, etc. An elevator pass was a 30-day free pass to elevators - you won't have to use your energy when you go down to fight off monsters in each level. And if you are a pro and hardly die at all (like me) and you don't use a single energy to revive yourself when you die, a 30-day elevator pass gives you a lot of profit in-game to earn crowns (money you collect from enemies and treasure boxes in the game) for crafting weapons, armors, and such which also used energy. So basically the pass saves you from using energy at the elevator which you can then use to craft weapons and other things. But that $6 30-day elevator pass was the worst purchase I've ever made in my life - EVER! And I never did it again.

I've told myself over and over again that I have to stop. And I've tried to stop. My family comes first. I am a wife and a mother, and I need to act like one and be like one (thus explains the "Grow Up, Mrs" post). Everyday I tried to change. I'd always say, "Today I'm going to finger paint outside with C when J is napping" or something like that. But as soon as J takes a nap, our computers are turned on. C knows the drill - he'll watch something on Netflix, and mommy plays a game. I would blame this extreme heat if I could, and it's partly the reason why I didn't want to go outdoors (it's really hot). But in reality, it's the game.

I tried to end the gaming part of my life over and over again but couldn't. I've actually gave away my stuff before, but kept my armory and suits because I couldn't find a way to delete my account and I didn't have the guts to delete my player instead. I don't know how to explain it more but it is hard. It was hard - until today. I had my final resolve last night. This morning, I logged on and gave ALL of my character's "stuff" to my in-game friends, down to the very last trade-able thing until she was a noob again and no longer a five star player. Then I said my farewells to my game friends, and deleted my players (SEGA didn't include a way to delete the account itself. I couldn't find tips anywhere in their game site). Deleting my player was the best way to stop (and I'm still trying to figure out how to delete my account), since I really don't ever want to start all over again with a new one. It actually felt like leaving a piece of me behind, like my social life has been taken away from me all over again. My game friends were sad to see me leave. They didn't want me to leave. They asked for reasons, but I was protective of my identity as a wife and mom. So I just told them I was just sick of the game, even though I wasn't, and I have a life to live (which is true).

Addiction comes in many forms - not just pornography, alcohol, and tobacco. For me it was video games. I didn't realize how I could easily get addicted to video games until I became responsible for someone else's welfare (my family). I want to be a wife and a mother. I've always wanted to be one. That's all I could think of growing up. And Jesse granted me the fact that I could stay home with our kids. The least I could do is be with them and have my attention TO THEM. I laid down last night, half asleep, and realized J is turning a year old soon. And C had turned three. Where did time go? I want to actually SEE them. I feel like I haven't - in a very long time. I don't want them to grow up seeing my bad examples as a gamer. I love my family so much that I am willing to change for the better. I jumped out of bed just as when Jesse was ready to go to bed. I logged on in my game, and announced to my "guild" that "TOMORROW IS A BIG DAY! WATCH OUT FOR SOME FREEBIES!" My boys - my husband and our kids - are the reason why it was so easy today to quit my game.

Grow up, Mrs.

Well, I'm still here. I have been inactive in the blogosphere for a while.

There have been so many things I wanted to write about, but other things kept getting in the way. Certainly not my kids. Lately, though, I've been feeling so down about myself. With regards to being a wife and a mother, and a person altogether, I am still being selfish in so many ways, and there are so many things I need to improve on. I know I need to change but I am having a hard time doing it. It will be hard for me to admit these things here but I gotta write it down if I wanted to change. I will have to read this every day as a reminder to myself.

I haven't been a good wife and mother. For example, I haven't been making dinner every night. My husband comes home from work and most of the time he had to make dinner for us. That always made me feel bad but I just can't find the motivation to make dinner - what with having a picky eater and a husband who gets to eat out for lunch at work. I can blame those two things all the time but I shouldn't, and as a wife and mother I should be making dinners. Meals.

There was one morning when I needed our car for the day, and I dropped Jesse off to his work. Of course, I was on the passenger seat because we can get to his work faster if he drives (meaning he can squish better in-between two cars when changing lanes than I could). I looked at his dress pants, and they were all wrinkly. Not a supervisor-worthy type of pants. His shirt, too. I don't like ironing clothes. My knees give up easily and my hands swell in heat after. I know I ought to start ironing his clothes for work again (I stopped when I was 8 months pregnant with J). It's one way to show him I care and I love him.

Not being close to the park and not having a backyard has always been my excuse to stay inside the house with our boys. But now that we've moved closer to a big park (seriously like just around the block) and we have a backyard, I haven't taken the boys outside more than I should have. A very determined mother, with or without a backyard or a park nearby, takes her kids outdoors every single day. And I haven't been that one.

When it comes to helping my husband with spiritual things in the home, I always drag him down. Between my husband and I, I was the one raised in FHE's on Mondays (hit and miss but we tried), but I'm always the one not having the motivation to do it in our own little family. I try each Monday to be more positive, though, and not make an ugly face. And even though I cringe all the time, I know in my heart (and I seriously can't explain why I act differently than how I feel) that FHE's are good for our family - to tie our bonds tighter. I know that even though it seems that the kids are not listening, it will help them in the long run - even just by knowing the habit of having FHE's on Mondays as they grow up.

I am just not happy here. I feel lonely most of the time. I keep telling myself I would be happier if we were in Utah where I have friends with kids who'd play with our kids. Or if I had my own car to go outside with the boys and not having to pick-up or drop-off Jesse to and from work. But these are selfish desires meant only for me. I ought to make the best of everything that we have NOW, instead of wishing on something that we don't have. And a  good perspective changes a lot of things.

I know I ought to spend more time with the boys. J is turning a year old in a few weeks and I'm so sad I haven't been able to cuddle and cradle him as much as I did with C. I haven't taken photos and videos of him as much as I did with C. Have I seriously missed his babyhood? It feels like a year flew by without me even seeing my kids. I have a lot of growing up to do, and a lot of room for improvement. This selfish mom needs to change, and that will start with a serious motivation today. It will be hard and I might get defensive most of the time, but I will give it my best. After all, a stay-at-home mother shouldn't let her husband get home without food on the table, or go to work with wrinkled clothes, or let the kids spend their days being stuck at home. I know that by changing my behavior and my personality for the better, I will be happy and I will find joy.

PS. This post is actually for you, Jesse. I love you and I want to be the kind of wife and mother that you and our kids deserve. I want to be a good one so that all of you will want to be with me for eternity to come.

I Am Grateful

- for being with my own little family everyday.
- for the Priesthood and the men who try their best to be worthy of it.
- for the talents and gifts that each and every one in this world has.

Last month, as many of you already know, my husband has had a few series of mini-strokes/TIA. The first time was the worst. I wanted to stay with him at the hospital all night, but I couldn't. When he described to me his experience of his stroke, I couldn't imagine him being all that. He said he couldn't  think properly, couldn't remember some things he knew very well, like phone numbers. He couldn't say the right words that he wanted to say, like saying "F" instead of saying "seven" even though he knew he wanted to say "seven." I just couldn't imagine him being like that.

Paid a visit again the next day. C was checking out his Dad's ears with a portable night light provided by the hospital.

The second and third time it happened, I was worried. I thought I would be scared, but I wasn't. I just had this feeling that everything will be okay. But, you know, as a wife I couldn't help being worried. After all, my husband is still young and stroke usually happens to someone older. Mr. Wikipedia says people 55 years or older are at a higher risk of TIA. And we are half-way younger than that.

When the doctor released my husband from the hospital the first time it happened, he said he was healthy and doesn't really need any medication. But they still don't know what's triggering/causing his symptoms to happen. Nevertheless, I am still grateful for the gifts bestowed upon them to heal people.

I am thankful that my husband has so many fellow LDS members in his job. When his symptoms happened the third time, one of his co-workers was able to give him a Priesthood blessing as soon as they pulled over to the front door of the emergency department. He was released from the ER soon after that, and I was able to pick him up. All these series of strokes happened in just five days.

Today, when he came home, he said he felt the symptoms again at work. Oh the power of prayer! He told me he said a prayer to please make it stop. And it did. And he knew he had to walk around and relax a little bit and it worked.

I am hopeful that they will find out the reason(s) why he's having these symptoms with the next 2 tests that he's supposed to have this month. Right now, I am happy to be with him everyday, and with our little boys, too.

On a lighter note, I am grateful for the house we found to move into and rent for the next year (or so, who knows). It's really close to the nice park here. The boys and I can go play outside a lot now, even without the car! And I like how the downstairs are all tiles but the stairs and the whole upstairs are carpeted. Oh, and it has a little backyard. The owner was a little embarrassed about it, but we told him, "we don't even have a backyard in where we live right now." Hahaha! Woohoo! I'm excited to move! At least I'm not 36 weeks pregnant this time.

Good Foundation

We've recently "RECLAIMED" our Macbook laptop from the nursery room. J has been using it to listen to some music while he slept (ever since he was 2 months old) when we moved him to his own bedroom. It was great and he started sleeping through the night at 2 1/2 months old. I've been planning to get the laptop back, though. I prefer our laptop over our desktop when I edit our photos. We tried getting it back using an iPod hooked to a portable speaker instead - the free iPod I got from my college graduation. But that iPod, in two consecutive nights, decided to freeze while on repeat in the middle of the night and it always ruined everybody's sleep. I thought of doing the electric fans but it was too cold to turn on a fan that strong in his room back then. The "fart fan" (I don't know what else to call it) in the bathroom next to his bedroom didn't work in putting him to sleep either.

When my husband suggested last weekend to try to claim our Mac back again by using one of our electric fans as white noise, I was kind of skeptical. But it worked, just like how it did with C. J still sleeps through the night.

So I had that laptop downstairs today in the kitchen to listen to some music while we were having lunch. I was playing some Primary songs that I gathered from Grooveshark. As I was making C's lunch (and J was busy drinking his bottle of formula), the "Book of Mormon Stories" song played and you know how it always ends - "righteously."

I listened to the whole song while I was lathering C's bread with peanut butter and grape jelly and I thought to myself, "I am so blessed to be able to raise our children in the gospel." I just had this thought that most children in the world knows, you know, nursery rhymes and what-not. Some of those songs teach good things, and some are just for pure rhymes and fun stories. But my children, aside from learning nursery rhymes, can also learn Primary songs that teaches them about our Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus Christ, and how to listen to the prophets and apostles, and how to live righteously. At their young age, they are already having a good foundation that they will need in their lives through the Primary songs and the things they learn at church and at our home (I need to do better). I just feel so blessed that they are being raised in the gospel in this world where sacred things are slowly but seriously being taken for granted - physical bodies, procreation, & marriage as examples. (I'm still drafting a post about that and I don't know if I want to post it, but maybe I will).

Note to Self - Comparing Ourselves to Others

 I'm trying to limit my time now on internet use that's why I haven't posted in my blog lately.

I love Pinterest. I love "pinning" stuff that I want to do. I love getting tips on how to clean this or how to make that. I love seeing do-it-yourself crafts, homemade alternatives for household cleaners, and lessons for our kids. Sadly, though, because I'm such a lazy bum with these kind of stuff, I just keep on pinning and never get to do a thing which then led me to feeling down about myself. All these things I want to make and the physical change I want to do (believe it or not I have a board for make-up and hairstyles and outfits because I don't dress up like a girl), I just can't seem to do them. And yet some mothers can. And when I am about to feel sorry for myself, I keep reverting my head back to this quote (which I also found on Pinterest):

I love this talk from Pres. Uchtdorf from last year's General Conference entitled "Forget Me Not." Let me add some more of what he said:

"In the meantime, be thankful for all the small successes in your home, your family relationships, your education and livelihood, your Church participation and personal improvements. Like the forget-me-nots, these successes may seem tiny to you and they may go unnoticed by others, but God notices them and they are not small to Him. If you consider success to be only the most perfect rose or dazzling orchid, you may miss some of life's sweetest experiences." - Dieter F. Uchtdorf

And there's also this one from the book that my mom gave me when my husband and I lived in Hawai'i:

"Some mothers seem to have the capacity and energy to make their children's clothes, bake, give piano lessons, go to Relief Society, teach Sunday School, attend parent-teacher association meetings, and so on. Other mothers look upon such women as models and feel inadequate, depressed, and think they are failures when they make comparisons . . . Sisters, do not allow yourselves to be made to feel inadequate or frustrated because you cannot do everything other seem to be accomplishing. Rather, each should assess her own situation, her own energy, and her own talents, and then choose the best way to mold her family into a team, a unit that works together and support each other. Only you and your Father in Heaven knows your needs, strengths, and desires. Around this knowledge your personal course must be charted and your choices made." - Marvin J. Ashton

There are a lot of things I need to work on myself, that I know for sure. I am not perfect and I don't do things perfectly. I am not a superwoman who can go to work, take care of our kids, make some crafts or sew some blankets, or what have you all at the same time. I can't even remember what I learned in my major. I am not good with a lot of things and I don't know a lot of things that other people my age know. It sometimes makes me feel stupid and dumb. But what I know is that despite my imperfections and weaknesses (that I'm still working on), I know that I love my husband and our kids so much and that I am trying to improve as a wife and mother. I have a husband who loves me for who I am and is really patient with my weaknesses. Our children loves me, too, and they trust that I can give them love and comfort. I also know that Heavenly Father knows me more than I know myself, and that He loves me. And through His help, I can improve on things I want to improve on based on my "... own situation, [my] own energy, and [my] own talents."